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I feel so out of control. I am envisioning my new life, relatively joyless, sexless, lonely, and isolated. Margied all of this angst and sadness is being experienced in secret. How does one handle heartbreak that is a secret? Part of me wonders if I am even entitled to any of this grief, that maybe I deserve this for being an adulterer. Anonymous Newton, Massachusetts Dear Anonymous, What strikes me most in your letter is looling contradiction between the joy you say your lover brings you and your description of how he treats you.

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Asit takes form in the mirror our parents hold up to us. Do they delight in our presence? Do they see our beauty?

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Do they respond to our wants and needs? Do we matter to them? If so, an image of ourselves as worthy and lovable is reflected back to us, and we begin to integrate it into a looklng self-image. Children who lack this reflection experience heartbreak and grieve alone, because the adults they would normally share their inner worlds with are the very people they feel hurt by. As adults, many of them end up in marriages that resemble their childhood.

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